I thought empathy meant being nice. Wrong. Real empathy is emotional self-defense that works – when someone attacks you, they’re trying to get their needs heard, not hurt you.
The story
I used to think empathy was just about being nice to people. I was completely wrong.
Real empathy isn’t about feeling sorry for someone or being a pushover. It’s about understanding what’s happening beneath the surface when people get upset, defensive, or start blaming you for everything.
Here’s what changed my life: when someone’s attacking you, they’re usually just trying to get their needs heard. But we get so busy defending ourselves that we miss this completely.
Want to get your own needs heard? Listen to theirs first. I know it sounds backwards, but it works.
When you really hear someone – not just wait for your turn to talk, but actually understand what they need – everything shifts. Their criticism stops stinging. Their anger stops feeling personal. You stop taking everything so hard because you can see what’s really happening.
This isn’t about being a doormat. It’s emotional self-defense that actually works. Instead of building walls or fighting back, you’re getting to the root of the problem.
The amazing part? It works on everyone. Difficult coworkers, family drama, relationship fights, even strangers having a bad day. When people feel truly heard, they drop their guard. Suddenly you’re solving problems together instead of fighting each other.
And here’s the bonus – practicing empathy with others rewires how you talk to yourself too. You become less reactive, more patient with yourself. Everything gets easier.
I wrote about this in Chapter 1 of “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind” because I wish someone had told me this years ago. It’s like getting the master key for relationships.
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