When conflict heats up, ask “What need are they trying to meet?” and guess out loud. After 20+ years studying empathy, I’ve seen enemies become allies when you treat anger as data, not attack.
The story
Sweet, when the room gets hot and my ego wants to sprint,
I slow my breath and look for common ground
I treat their anger like data, not a personal hint,
And suddenly a path to teamwork is found
For 20+ years I’ve been studying, teaching, and writing about empathy, and I’ve watched one pattern repeat: the “enemy” is usually running a strategy to meet a need. Security. Respect. Autonomy. Fairness. The usual human stuff, just with louder packaging.
In Chapter 16 of *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind*, I teach how to turn enemies into allies with *strategic empathy*. Not performative niceness. More like perspective-taking with a black belt, which I earned after two decades of Shaolin training.
# The drill I use mid-conflict
Try asking: “What need are they trying to meet right now?”
Then guess out loud, neutrally: “It sounds like you’re protecting fairness?” You are not “agreeing.” You’re reducing threat and buying bandwidth.
# Steel-man, don’t straw-man
“If I’m seeing your side right, you’re saying X because Y matters to you?”
They’ll correct you, and that correction is connection.
# Own your reactions
“When I hear Z, I feel tense because I value clarity.” That’s radical responsibility, and it de-fangs the fight.
I’ve used this in corporate negotiations, mediations, and 650+ Practical Empathy meetups since 2005. If you want practice, EmpathyBot.net is my example of AI delivering empathetic coaching.
Want the full playbook? Grab Chapter 16 in *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* on Amazon.
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