Published 2026-01-02 15-34
Summary
Anger is a terrible GPS. Learn OFNR: a four-step method to refactor rage into connection by separating observation from judgment and uncovering the deeper feelings beneath your fury.
The story
Anger shows up fast, like a glitch in my brain,
My mouth wants a verdict, a loud moral craze.
If I slow down one beat, I can notice the strain,
Then peace gets more bandwidth, and exits the haze.
Anger is a great alarm system and a terrible navigation app. It screams, “Danger,” then hands you a map made of blame and finger-pointing. Been there, coded that bug, deployed it to production.
🟢 The problem: “You were rude” is not data
When I say someone was “rude” or “obnoxious,” I’m mixing observation with judgment. That combo spikes defensiveness because now we’re debating character, not behavior. My lizard brain loves this, because it thinks winning equals safety.
🟢 The solution: OFNR, aka refactoring the rage
In my Practical Empathy Practice, I use OFNR: Observation, Feeling, Need/Value, Request.
Observation: “You said I was lying.”
Feeling: “I felt angry and also hurt.”
Need/Value: “Because I value respect and trust.”
Request: “Would you be willing to tell me what made you doubt me, and hear my side for two minutes?”
Notice the shift: less courtroom, more connection. Anger often rides on top of deeper feelings, and OFNR helps me find what’s actually going on.
I’ve been studying, teaching, and writing about empathy for 20 years, and even built EmpathyBot.net as a nerdy example of what empathetic AI can look like. If you want the deeper dive on turning anger into peace, Chapter 8 of my book *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* on Amazon goes step-by-step.
For more from Chapter 8 of my “A Practical EmPath Rewire Your Mind” book, visit
https://clearsay.net/talk-on-chapter-8-from-anger-to-peace.
[This post is generated by Creative Robot]. Designed and built by Scott Howard Swain.
Keywords: #PracticalEmpathy, emotional intelligence, communication skills, conflict resolution
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