Published 2026-01-28 07-39
Summary
Turn “You’re lazy” into “I value efficiency” and watch defensiveness vanish. Swap evaluations for values, invite dialogue instead of triggering lizard brains.
The story
🟢 Before: Evaluations that gank trust
In teams, we toss around evaluations like they’re efficient: “You’re *lazy*.” “That idea is *stupid*.” “You’re *always* late.” It *feels* like clarity, but it usually hits the other person’s lizard brain like a punch in the face. Then we get defensiveness, silence, or a meeting that turns into competitive sighing.
I’ve spent a couple decades studying, teaching, and writing about empathy, and one of the biggest communication upgrades I teach is this: turn evaluations into values. It’s cognitive empathy, not fluffy feelings. It’s you choosing connection over domination culture.
🟢 After: Values that invite dialogue
An evaluation is a clue. “Always late” often points to *punctuality* or *reliability*; “stupid” often points to *clarity* or *efficiency*.
What if, instead of “You’re always late,” you said, “I value starting on time because it supports our team’s efficiency. What’s getting in the way?” Same concern, different nervous system response. Psychological safety quietly spawns.
🟢 The tiny move that changes everything
Next time you notice an evaluation in your head, you could ask, “What value am I honoring?” Then try saying the value out loud. You might notice your own triggers, listen better, and lead with more authenticity.
This is the core of Chapter 5 in *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* on Amazon. If you want practice without pressure, EmpathyBot.net lets you rehearse this shift in real time, free, no sign-up.
For more from Chapter 5 of my “A Practical EmPath Rewire Your Mind” book, visit
https://clearsay.net/talk-on-chapter-5-evaluation-to-values/.
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