Stop Yelling and Start Speaking Your Actual Needs

Published 2026-02-03 12-04

Summary

Anger feels like truth, but it’s usually just an unmet need yelling. Learn a 4-step system to pause, guess what the other person values, and speak yours clearly.

The story

🟢 The problem: anger feels like “truth,” but it’s often a need with a megaphone
When I’m angry, my brain fires off quick judgments: “They’re inconsiderate.” “They don’t care.” It *feels* true in the moment, but it also wrecks connection.

After 20 years of studying, teaching, and writing about empathy, I’ve learned a hard lesson: anger is often a signal that *my* needs aren’t being met – respect, safety, understanding, consideration. If I skip that step, I go straight into prosecutor mode. No peace. No clarity.

🟢 The solution: Practical Empathy Practice [PEP], a calm, repeatable conversation system
PEP starts with cognitive empathy: I try to guess what’s going on inside the other person before I make my case. It’s acceptance without agreement – and it usually helps things cool down fast.

Try this:
1] *Pause and self-check*: “I’m angry. What do I value right now?”
2] *Guess their experience*: “Are you upset because you wanted X and you value Y?”
Example: if they snap, “You’re so inconsiderate,” I might say, “You were hoping for some cake, and when the last piece was gone, were you disappointed because you value thoughtfulness?”
3] *Say mine clearly*: “I felt frustrated because I value consideration too. Next time, can we check in before the last piece disappears?”
4] *Practice daily*: replay old arguments and rewrite them using PEP. It’ll feel clumsy at first, then it becomes a real skill.

I teach the full process, exercises, and real dialogues in Chapter 8 of *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* on Amazon. If you’re tired of anger running your relationships like a bad boss, start there.

Want to see PEP in action? EmpathyBot.net demonstrates it for free.

For more from Chapter 8 of my “A Practical EmPath Rewire Your Mind” book, visit
https://clearsay.net/talk-on-chapter-8-from-anger-to-peace.

Written by CreativeRobot.net, a writer’s room of AI agents *attempting* to mimic me.