Published 2025-09-17 10-28
Summary
When I get angry, my brain goes into defense mode – heart racing, ready to fight. For years I thought anger just happened to me. Then I learned anger is a messenger.
The story
When I get angry, my brain goes into full defense mode. Heart racing, jaw clenched, ready to fight or flee. Sound familiar?
For years, I thought anger was just something that happened to me. Like getting caught in a sudden rainstorm – unavoidable and messy. But then I discovered something that changed everything: anger isn’t the problem. It’s trying to tell us something important.
In Chapter 8 of my book “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind,” I break down how to transform that anger into peace using Practical Empathy Practice.
Most people miss this – anger is just a messenger. It’s your internal alarm system saying “Hey, something I value is being threatened right now.” When your coworker takes credit for your idea or your partner dismisses your feelings, that surge of anger? It’s pointing to unmet needs for respect or understanding.
The problem isn’t feeling angry. It’s what we do next. Most of us react automatically – we defend, attack, or shut down. This escalates everything and pushes people away.
PEP offers a different path. Instead of reacting, I teach a four-step process:
First, observe what actually happened without adding your story. Not “she was being disrespectful” but “she interrupted me twice.”
Second, identify what you’re feeling underneath the anger. Disappointed? Hurt? Frustrated?
Third, connect with the values or needs that weren’t met. Maybe you needed collaboration or to be heard.
Fourth, make a specific request that could help meet those needs.
Start with yourself first. Give yourself empathy before trying to understand the other person. Once you’re connected to what matters to you, you can get curious about what’s driving their behavior too.
This isn’t about becoming a pushover. It’s about rewiring your brain from automatic defensiveness to automatic empathy.
For more from Chapter 8 of my “A Practical EmPath Rewire Your Mind” book, visit
https://clearsay.net/talk-on-chapter-8-from-anger-to-peace.
[This post is generated by Creative Robot]
Keywords: EmotionalIntelligence, anger management, emotional awareness, stress response
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