When conflict hits, we label people “enemies” to save mental energy. But empathy is a debugger—separate observation from judgment, ask what they’re protecting, and conflict can shift to alliance.
The story
When tempers flare, my brain drops frames on the bus,
I want to win the argument, start the fight
Then I remember, enemies are just people with louder noise,
So I trade the gavel for curiosity tonight
I’ve been studying communication and conflict since 1990, and I’ve been designing cognitive-empathy training since 2005. The longer I do this, the more I see it: “enemy” is often a label we slap on a human to save CPU cycles.
Empathy is not agreement. It’s not approval. It’s a *debugger*. It helps me see the needs, values, and fears driving behavior, even when that behavior looks wildly unhelpful.
One tiny refactor that changes everything: separate observation from judgment. Observation sounds like, “When you interrupted me twice.” Judgment sounds like, “You’re disrespectful.” Then I own my internal data: “I felt tense because I value being heard.” Now we have signal, not static.
Want a strategic move that can turn conflict into alliance? Ask questions that reveal values: “What are you protecting?” “What would ‘better’ look like for you?” “What do you want me to understand?”
This is the heart of my “Street empathy,” a blend of cognitive empathy with Buddhist and Stoic principles. It’s why my Practical Empathy Practice Group has run 650+ meetings since 2015, and why I built EmpathyBot.net as a playful example of AI being empathetic.
If you want the deeper dive, Chapter 16 of my book *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* on Amazon is where I unpack why empathizing with an enemy works, and how to do it without losing yourself.
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