We fight over positions while real needs hide backstage. Cognitive empathy cuts through: listen for needs, name inner states, pause for self-empathy first.
The story
Negotiations often fail for a boring reason: we argue over positions while the real needs sit backstage, arms crossed, getting louder. Then the conversation turns into a tug-of-war, and both sides start guarding their words like they’re hiding the last slice of pizza.
For 20 years, I’ve studied, taught, and written about empathy, and the cleanest negotiation upgrade I know is *cognitive empathy*: getting a solid read on what’s going on inside someone without absorbing their emotions. It shifts things from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.” Less posturing. More agreement.
Solution one: listen for needs, not positions. When someone says, “I need 50K,” try, “Sounds like stability matters most – is that right?” People drop their defenses fast when they feel understood.
Solution two: use my Practical Empathy Practice [PEP]. Name a likely inner state: “Are you frustrated because the timeline feels risky?” Now you can solve the real problem out in the open, instead of shadow-boxing hidden fears.
Solution three: start with self-empathy. Pause and name your own need: “I need respect,” or “I need clarity.” Then respond. Reactivity kills deals.
I’ve trained negotiators with these tools, including with the National Contract Management Association in 2012, and I watched teams at LIGHTfaktor in 2014 improve client relationships. Zaaz customer service cut complaints the same way: empathy, then options.
If you want the full method, scripts, and exercises, see Chapter 19 of *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* on Amazon.
Recent Comments