Most conflicts happen because we judge behavior instead of understanding the needs driving it. What if you asked “what need is behind this?” instead of “how do I stop this?”
The story
Most parent-teacher conflicts happen because we’re solving the wrong problem.
We think the problem is the defiant kid or the “difficult” parent. But the real problem? We’re judging behavior instead of understanding needs.
Instead of asking “How do I stop this behavior?” ask “What need is driving this behavior?”
When your child melts down about homework, they might need autonomy. When a teacher seems inflexible, they might need respect for their expertise. When a parent gets defensive, they might need reassurance their child is valued.
Here’s the game-changer: acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. You can accept a child’s frustration without accepting them throwing books. You can understand a parent’s concern without changing your teaching method.
I call this “street empathy” – practical cognitive empathy that works in real conversations. It’s not about feeling sorry for someone. It’s about genuinely understanding what’s driving their actions.
After running over 650 practice sessions since 2015, this approach consistently reduces conflict and increases cooperation. Parents report better relationships with teachers. Teachers say classroom management becomes easier. Kids start using these same skills naturally.
The secret? When you understand someone’s underlying need, your entire response changes. Instead of defending or attacking, you problem-solve together.
I break down this exact process in Chapter 13 of my book “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind.” It’s the framework that’s been transforming parent-teacher relationships for years.
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