When someone called out my empathy as manipulative, my defensiveness revealed an uncomfortable truth. I’d twisted genuine understanding into a tool for getting what I wanted instead of truly connecting with others.
The story
Here’s the thing about empathy – it can become a weapon.
I learned this the hard way when someone called out my approach for being manipulative. My immediate defensiveness told me everything I needed to know. They were right.
I had to face an uncomfortable truth: I’d used empathy to manipulate someone. Despite my best intentions, I’d twisted it for my own agenda.
Any empathetic tool becomes manipulation when your real goal is getting what you want instead of truly understanding the other person. The difference comes down to one brutal self-check question:
“Am I genuinely trying to understand where they’re coming from, or am I secretly hoping to change them?”
Most manipulation happens when we disguise strategies as needs. Saying “I really need you to handle this project” presents your specific want as an urgent, universal need. That’s pressure disguised as empathy.
The authentic approach: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with my current workload. Would you be open to taking on this project?”
This respects both your feelings and their choice.
I built five safeguards to prevent this manipulation:
– Let go of your agenda to actually hear them
– Seek real consensus, not forced compromise
– Own your feelings instead of blaming others
– Make clear requests, not hidden demands
– Trust your gut when something feels off
That last one’s huge for leaders. Sharp empathy helps you sense when a “yes” isn’t genuine or when someone’s empathy has strings attached.
Chapter 22 of “A Practical EmPath” dives into these uncomfortable truths because real leadership requires facing our capacity for both connection and manipulation.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness that leads to authentic relationships instead of damaged ones built on hidden agendas.
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