Discover how real gratitude emerges naturally from understanding ourselves and others, not from forced positivity. Learn a simple approach that reveals life’s hidden gifts.
The story
Ever notice how being told to “just be grateful” can backfire?
After teaching empathy skills for years, I’ve found something surprising: real gratitude doesn’t come from trying to feel grateful. It shows up naturally when we practice understanding ourselves and others.
My Practical Empathy Practice [PEP] method uses simple shifts in attention: observation, feelings, values/needs, and requests. When I developed this approach, I was amazed by what happened. As I practiced empathy, gratitude started appearing everywhere – from appreciating the windows in my home to valuing random encounters with strangers.
Forcing gratitude rarely works. But when we understand what matters to us [connection, autonomy, security], we naturally notice what supports those needs.
I call this the “virtuous spiral” – starting with self-empathy, extending to others, then watching gratitude multiply. We begin seeing life’s gifts hiding in plain sight.
This happens because empathy creates clarity. When we’re clear about what matters, we recognize when those needs are being met – often in ways we missed before.
Want to try? Apply the PEP approach to a recent frustration. What feelings and needs were present? What might change if you approached it with curiosity instead of judgment?
I explore this connection between empathy and gratitude more in Chapter 9 of my book “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind.”
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