Discover how switching from “You make me angry” to expressing observations, feelings, and values transformed my relationships with children and built genuine empathy.
The story
I used to say, “You’re making me angry!” to my kids, putting the responsibility for my feelings on them. Not fair or accurate.
Now I say, “When you ignore our agreed screen time limits, I feel frustrated because I value our commitments to each other.”
This shift is part of what I call Practical Empathy Practice [P.E.P.], detailed in Chapter 13 of my book. It’s completely changed how I connect with children as both a parent and educator.
Traditional approaches rely on rewards and punishments. But when we bulldoze over children’s feelings for compliance, we teach them power matters more than understanding.
P.E.P. breaks communication into three parts:
• Observation [what actually happened]
• Feelings [emotions experienced]
• Values/needs [why it matters]
When my son was bullied, I used to say: “Just ignore them” or “Stand up for yourself!”
My P.E.P. approach: “I noticed you came home with torn papers. Are you feeling upset? Is it important to you to feel respected at school?”
This creates space for him to process without shame while building resilience.
The results? Children who can:
• Name their feelings
• Connect actions and emotions
• Make choices based on values, not fear
• Develop real empathy
Want to transform your interactions with children? Chapter 13 gives you practical examples for home and classroom settings.
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