I thought empathy meant absorbing everyone’s emotions like a sponge. Wrong. Real empathy is understanding someone’s perspective without becoming them.
The story
I used to think being empathetic meant absorbing everyone else’s emotions like a sponge. Turns out I was doing it all wrong.
In Chapter 3 of my book, I break down what I call the “Core Principles and No No’s” of Practical Empathy Practice – basically the difference between connecting with people and accidentally pushing them away.
Here’s what changed everything for me:
The biggest principle: We don’t “make” anyone feel anything. You might trigger someone’s emotions, but they choose how to process what you said. This flipped my whole perspective on responsibility in relationships.
The observation trap: Most of us mix facts with judgments without realizing it. Saying “Jake was being difficult” isn’t observation – it’s evaluation. “Jake raised his voice and walked away” is what actually happened. This tiny shift opens up real conversation.
Values equal needs: Understanding what matters to someone [security, respect, connection] is the key to every interaction.
The no-no’s that kill connection? Using “to be” language for evaluations, confusing empathy with sympathy, and skipping the four-step process I teach.
I call this “street empathy” – not the fluffy stuff, but practical cognitive empathy you can use in real conversations. When someone’s upset, instead of trying to fix them or mirror their emotions, you simply understand their perspective.
The difference is massive. Instead of walking on eggshells or getting defensive, you start having actual conversations that solve problems.
Chapter 3 gives you the exact framework with real examples. No theory overload – just practical tools that work in your kitchen, your office, anywhere humans interact.
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