“Good vibes only” is gaslighting with a smile. When we rush to reassure, we signal “your pain isn’t welcome” – and quietly serve our own need for comfort.
The story
“Good vibes only” is gaslighting with a smile, and we keep calling it support.
For people who work in communication or mental health, toxic positivity is not a minor irritation. It’s a *positivity mask* – a constant upbeat face, blocking authenticity, discouraging honest emotion, and training people to hide painful experience. Notice how masking overlaps with trust.
When we answer pain with “everything happens for a reason” or “stay positive,” we aren’t offering comfort. We’re pressuring someone to perform relief, so we can feel settled.
The damage looks like this:
→ People stop sharing struggles
→ Trust in support systems erodes
→ Emotional invalidation becomes normal
I saw my own version of this in a dance setting. Someone shared deep grief about their dog dying, and I felt sadness, tears, and a strange bittersweet joy too. It exposed an inner life I’d been keeping offstage, and it pulled me toward more reality, not more cheer.
The trap is the reflex to reassure, fix, defend, or “happy up” the person in front of us. The message can land as, “Your feelings aren’t welcome,” and it can quietly serve the helper’s need for control, comfort, or importance. Conflatulations, nervous system.
Chapter 21 of *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* lays out the alternative: empathy first. In PEP terms: observe without evaluation, name and reflect feelings, and guess at values or needs – with no agenda to change mood. Then ask, “Do you want reassurance or advice?” Later, “Did it help?”
If you work with kids, this matters fast. Mood-shifting, reward, or punishment teaches, “Discomfort is unacceptable.” Try reflecting “bored,” then explore what connection or stimulation they want.
Ready to stop polishing the mask and start building connection? Read Chapter 21 on Amazon.
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