When anger shows up, it’s actually highlighting what matters most to us. Learn the four-step process that transforms heated confrontations into meaningful connections.
The story
I never expected anger to be my greatest teacher.
Last week at a workshop, a participant stormed up during break. “This empathy stuff is useless. My boss is impossible.”
Instead of defending my work, I paused. This was PEP in action – the Practical Empathy Practice I detail in Chapter 8 of my book.
First, I observed without judgment: “I notice you’re shaking your head and speaking intensely.”
Then I reflected his feelings: “Are you frustrated because you value being understood at work?”
His shoulders dropped slightly. “Yeah. I try communicating clearly, but nothing changes.”
That’s the heart of what I teach in Chapter 8. Anger isn’t the enemy – it’s a signpost pointing to what matters deeply to us. When we translate anger into observations, feelings, and values, something changes.
We practiced making a positive request for his next meeting. Not “stop interrupting me” but “would you be willing to hear my complete thought before responding?”
The transformation was visible. From red-faced anger to thoughtful strategy in minutes.
This is why I wrote “A Practical EmPath” – these tools work when emotions run hottest.
The four-step process isn’t about suppressing anger. It’s about harnessing its energy by:
– Observing objectively
– Naming feelings accurately
– Identifying underlying values
– Making clear, positive requests
When you understand anger is just passion misdirected, you can turn confrontations into connections.
What values might your recent frustrations be pointing toward?
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