I thought being positive was always helpful until I realized my cheerful reassurances were actually hurting people. Here’s when positivity becomes toxic and what works instead.
The story
I spent years thinking positivity was always good. Then I discovered my cheerful reassurances were actually hurting the people I cared about most.
Here’s what I learned about when positivity becomes toxic:
The “Positivity Mask” Problem
We’ve been trained to fix other people’s pain with quick doses of reassurance. When someone’s hurting, we jump in with “Look on the bright side” or “Don’t be sad.” But here’s what we’re really saying: “Your feelings are unacceptable.”
What Actually Helps
Instead of reflexive cheerfulness, try empathetic presence. When someone says “I hate overly positive people,” don’t defend positivity. Try: “Are you feeling frustrated because you value honesty?”
This simple shift changes everything.
My 4-Step Framework
1. Pause [fight that urge to fix]
2. Offer an empathy guess about their feelings
3. Ask before advising: “Want thoughts or just listening?”
4. Check in: “Was that helpful?”
The Real Cost of Fake Positivity
When we constantly tell kids “Don’t be angry,” we teach them emotions are problems to hide. Adults carry this forward, numbing feelings with food, shopping, or substances.
The Freedom in Acceptance
Accepting difficult emotions – yours and others’ – doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It actually builds clarity. When you understand your own patterns, you develop better “lie detector” abilities with others.
Real connection happens when we sit with pain instead of rushing to eliminate it.
I dive deep into this in Chapter 21 of “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind” – exploring how our well-meaning positivity backfires and what genuinely helps instead.
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