Some kids connect instantly with adults while others pull away. After 30+ years in communication, I discovered it comes down to cognitive empathy – understanding their world without drowning in their emotions.
The story
Ever wonder why some kids light up around certain adults while others seem to shut down completely?
After 30+ years studying communication and conflict resolution, I’ve learned the answer lies in something called cognitive empathy – the ability to step into a child’s world and truly understand their perspective without getting swept up in their emotions.
Most adults default to emotional empathy, feeling what the child feels. But that often leads to reactive responses that escalate situations. Cognitive empathy is different. It’s about understanding their thoughts and needs while staying grounded.
Here’s what I’ve seen work in schools since I started facilitating training programs in 2005:
When a child acts out, instead of immediately correcting behavior, pause and ask yourself – what might they be experiencing right now? Are they overwhelmed? Confused? Feeling unheard?
The magic happens when you acknowledge their inner experience first. “I can see you’re really frustrated about this” or “It sounds like you’re worried about getting this right.”
This isn’t about being permissive. It’s about creating connection before correction.
The beautiful thing? We can literally rewire our brains for better empathy through deliberate practice. I dive deep into this in Chapter 13 of my book “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind” – specifically how parents and teachers can work together using these strategies.
When home and school align on empathy-based approaches, kids don’t just survive – they thrive. They feel seen, understood, and supported to grow.
Every child deserves adults who truly get them. It starts with how we listen.
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