Learning empathy makes relationships harder before it makes them better. People get suspicious when you actually listen, and you’ll feel fake at first. The friction is real.
The story
Learning empathy isn’t the feel-good journey most people expect.
When I started developing Practical Empathy Practice, I thought it would make my relationships smoother. Instead, it made things harder at first.
My wife would look at me funny when I’d pause mid-conversation to really listen. “Why are you being weird?” she’d ask. Fair question. I was trying so hard to be empathetic that I probably sounded like a robot reading from a script.
The worst part? I felt like I was doing all the emotional heavy lifting. I’m over here trying to understand everyone’s perspective while they’re still interrupting and dismissing. Talk about one-sided. The resentment was real.
Here’s what nobody tells you about learning empathy: it creates friction before it creates connection. People aren’t used to being truly heard, so when you start actually listening, they get suspicious. They think you want something or you’re being fake.
And honestly? Sometimes you are being fake at first. You’re learning new skills, so of course it feels clunky. Like learning to drive – you’re gonna jerk the wheel and slam the brakes before you figure it out.
The hardest truth about empathy practice is there’s no graduation day. You don’t suddenly become the Empathy Master and coast from there. It’s daily work, and some days you’ll fail spectacularly.
But here’s why I kept going: the alternative is staying stuck in the same shallow conversations and misunderstandings forever.
The friction is temporary. The connection you build is permanent.
If you’re struggling with the messy early stages of becoming more empathetic, you’re not broken. You’re normal. Chapter 2 of my book dives deep into these challenges because pretending they don’t exist helps nobody.
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