That urge to say “look on the bright side” when someone’s struggling? It actually makes things worse. Here’s why rushing to fix people’s pain backfires at work and home.
The story
You know that moment when someone’s having a rough day and your first instinct is to jump in with “Look on the bright side” or “Everything happens for a reason”?
I used to do this constantly. Turns out, I was causing more harm than help.
In Chapter 21 of my book “A Practical EmPath,” I explore what I call the “positivity mask” – that relentless pressure we put on ourselves and others to always be upbeat. Here’s the problem: when we rush to “fix” someone’s pain with quick reassurance, the hidden message they receive is “your feelings are a problem and you should hide them.”
Think about the business implications. When a team member expresses frustration about a project setback, and we immediately respond with “Stay positive, we’ll figure it out,” we’re actually teaching them that negative emotions aren’t welcome in our workplace culture.
With children, the stakes are even higher. Constantly saying “don’t be sad” or “don’t be angry” teaches them certain emotions are unacceptable. They grow up avoiding difficult feelings, always needing others to regulate their emotions, or numbing out with substances and behaviors.
The alternative? What I call empathetic presence – simply sitting with someone in their difficult place without trying to change it.
Here’s a simple framework I teach:
1. Pause before jumping in to fix
2. Offer an empathy guess about their feeling
3. Ask “Would you like advice or should I just listen?”
4. Check in afterward
When we learn to accept our own difficult emotions first, we naturally become better at being present with others. Acceptance doesn’t make us weak – it actually helps us see situations more clearly because we’re not constantly fighting reality.
Sometimes the most authentic leadership move is acknowledging that life includes pain, and that’s perfectly human.
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